Happiness is a state of being and it’s also a choice. And everyone has the same desire to be happy.
Stay with me, here.
Happiness means different things to different people. Happiness feels different to different people. Happiness looks different to different people. This difference is everyone’s personal state of happiness. It’s completely open to interpretation. But it’s not difficult to understand what your own personal state of happiness is.
How do I find my “state of happiness”?
Most people will give you a list of questions to help to define your own happiness such as “what makes you genuinely happy?” Yeah, that’s no help. I believe that if you are given a specific set of questions such as the one above, or the famous “what would you do if you could not fail”, your brain won’t explore any other questions or possibilities that might help you shape your own happiness. Not to mention, who cares what you would do if you could not fail. That ruins the point of doing it in the first place. No one truly wants to be perfect because then what’s left after that?
I think it’s important to reflect on specific moments when you felt satisfied or fulfilled. That simple. From there, go through the basic 5 questions of who, what, where, when, and why to truly understand and start mapping out your personal state of happiness. That may look something like this:
- What were you doing? Be as specific as possible. Really think back onto what is was that you were doing that made the activity so satisfying or so fulfilling.
- Who were you doing this with? Were you alone, with a specific person, or perhaps even a group of people?
- Where were you? What was around you? Sometimes we may have felt joy curled on the couch reading a book, but the reason on why is was so satisying is because there was a storm outside and the rainfall and thunder made us feel more joy than had it been sunny and warm. Or maybe you were in the grocery store and decided to break out into singing when your favorite song came on the radio. Happiness can be felt anywhere.
- When did this take place? Was it first thing in the morning, during a work break, or even at 11:00 PM during your only free time? Recognizing the things that make us feel happiness is important, but the when we do them, can make all the difference.
- Why were you doing what you were doing? I think this piece is extremely important. Most people fail to spend time thinking of why (“oh, I don’t know”, they’ll say, or “because that’s what I normally do”, but this is fundamentally important to understand if we are choosing to do things because we ourselves truly want to, or if there is some type of external influence to our decisions (which happens more often than not).
Through my own findings from this exercise, I found that I was not filling my days with enough of my own moments of happiness, but also when I was, the timing was completely misaligned. The two biggest issues were my lack of physical activity (and when I was it was at at the wrong time, doing the wrong type of activity). And I worked much longer than I was willing to work which meant that I was choosing every day to sacrifice time with loved ones, my own creative time, and time I loved to spend cooking fresh meals.
Two immediate changes I made were to switch the time of my workouts and to change the structure of my work days. I can’t always change the fact that I have to work more than 8 hours sometimes, but I can choose everything that happens in those 8 hours and sometimes that makes a huge difference to the amount that gets done (lessening the need to work so long all of the time). These alone have opened up more opportunities to fill in time with happy moments.
Ok, but you said it’s also a choice. Where does that fit in?
Would you get mad if I said “all of the time!”? Really though, you get to choose every day, every hour and every second whether or not you want to be happy or feel happy. I can just see the eyes rolling right now and hear the protests – right, so I’m getting divorced, so let me just be soooo happy about that. Yeah, and I hate my job and don’t get paid enough to deal with what I have to deal with every day.
Ok, ok. So let me just say this.
To you, who is in the middle of a terrible and difficult divorce – why can you not choose to be happy each day? Even though the divorce process may be difficult beyond imagination, are you choosing to continue to fill your days with those moments that you found bring you satisfaction and fulfillment as found in the exercise above? Or perhaps you are viewing this one part of your life as your whole life and are letting it define you, even though it is something you are going through, not something that you ARE. You can still take control of so much else in your life and choose to fill it with satisfying moments and fulfillment. Maybe even more so now than you could before.
And to you, the job hater – I get it. I may find myself in the same boat sometimes. Think of your work day in moments. Do you typically have more happy moments than not happy moments? Reflect on the tasks you do each day and write them out if it helps. Which ones bring you joy (do not think of external factors, meaning no “oh I would be happier doing this if so-and-so would get their act together and just do this”).
No, just think whether or not the specific job tasks make you feel personally satisfied or fulfilled. If they do, then your job isn’t what is bothering you, it must be something about the job that is misaligned with your personal values. If that is the case, you have to make the choice to either continue to live misaligned to personal values, or to find happiness and peace in your workdays knowing that you truly love what you do and by filling the days with more of your state of happy moments.
Think of it this way – If you ask someone “Are you happy” and they respond “yes”, that means that they understand their own state of happiness and also have chosen to feel happy in moments more often than not choosing to be happy in moments. If their answer is “no”, they may not have figured out their own personal state of happy and need to, or they are not making the choices each day to live their personal state of happiness.
Have you ever had a friend tell you that they aren’t happy for one reason or another, but they never seem to do anything about it? That’s the choice we’re talking about here. You have a daily choice to choose happiness and continue living in your own happiness. You just need to start mapping out what happiness means for you.